- On Saturday, October 27, I dealt with a tipsy and depressed friend. At first I was a little bothered, but that quickly turned to feeling very good and important trying to make a connection with her and make her realize that she should not be so sad.
- Sunday I met with three former (and most excellent) roommates to see Cloud Atlas and have lunch. Awesome movie, awesome people to be around. I was very happy to actually do something on a weekend after a long while.
- Monday, I had dinner with two friends, which was really just 5 hours of supremely enjoyable company. It's nice to just have that without some pretense or distraction, with the right people, of course.
- Tuesday was trivia in which I alone knew what the group The Kids in the Hall was.
- Wednesday was Halloween, a holiday for which I didn't do much but wear a cape to work. People appreciated it.
- Thursday was Campus FreeThinkers movie night with Dr. Horrible. Afterward, I felt a little inspired, and when I got home, I told my sister that she was a great person and enjoyable to be around. I am so glad I did that, because that kind of sentiment just isn't expressed very often in our family.
- Friday, I went to see Argo with two of the same roommates, and we had dinner with the third, as well.
- On Saturday, November 3, the week was easily topped off by driving three hours to visit a friend for the weekend. Turns out I left something there, though I was hoping to do so.
- By Sunday, I would have said a quiet prayer for George V. Hudson, if I had remembered his name, for giving me an extra hour to be closer to any other person than I had previously.
I left quite happy with myself, eating an Insomnia Cookie and singing the entirety of Appetite for Destruction on the drive back.
---
But since then it's been quite tumultuous in my head. I've spent this whole week trying to piece together how I feel, but it changes day to day. I've got lots of sticky notes in my wallet that I write when I have to get a thought or sentiment out in a restricted space. Hopefully this post will be a tempered and reasoned summary of all this processing.
I realize now that what really happened was that my assessment of the relationship was askew from hers. And the longer this goes on, the more imbalanced it becomes. I've done it before, and I'm doing it again. During the very few times I've fancied someone and have actually been given a chance to do something about it, my mind goes wild thinking of the person, reading, rereading, and remembered the meager words and attention they've given me. I could be rightly called obsessing, if I'm so frank.
Why do I do this? Well, I've never had a connection so deep, personal, and rich that was actually requited. Even the person I thought my best friend turns out to not think too highly of me. So when I get a glimpse of a chance that someone might care about me as much as I do them, I get very excited and apparently very ahead of myself.
So she told me she was nervous about a date she was going on with another guy the same day that I woke up holding on to her. She asked for advice on these cute red boots to her friends. Then I saw this today:
Guise [name] said he likes me :3
^_^
Aww, adorable.
We
were in public for the first time around people we both know and it
wasn't awkward and there was even a little bit of affection in public
and aghhhhhh
Eeeeeeeeeeee
You're going to become one of those obnoxiously adorable but kind of actually obnoxious couples, aren't you :P
I mean
I am super obnoxious by myself.
;)
When I saw this, I sent it in an email to myself for later, titled "I hate myself". I feel this is relevant because in none of this do I blame her. She has done wonderful things for me, and I really hope she would say I've done something for her. And it would be ridiculous to be angry at her for being happy around someone else. I hate that my jealousy rages. But to reach such emotional heights around her only makes the collapse worse. It would make me unbelievably happy to learn that someone privately confessed anything of this sort about me.
When do I get a turn?
...Ugh, that's so stupid. I know the universe doesn't work that way.
On the bright side, at least I can listen to more than the first seconds of this song. And as I posted on Facebook, on the drive home today, I figured out that at least one cure for my sadness is listening to rednecks talk about numbers of steps, marsh melodies, or places they're not from but still call Sweet Home. Let's wrap up with some o' that:
Maybe I'll show her this after she gets back from an enjoyable weekend that I don't want to distract from.
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