Sunday, September 16, 2012

On Re-Hashing

It comes up, again and again. And I rehash and rehash this topic. But each time I refine my understanding of myself. So here we go again.

I have an intense and near-insatiable desire for immersion into specific games, shows, movies, and more. Over the summer, it was the game Persona 4. Chronologically, from what I can remember, the following have been the biggest examples: Evangelion, Final Fantasy X, FLCL, and Haruhi Suzumiya. I was recently encouraged to get the art book for P4, which I finished looking and reading through today, and that's what brought me back to this state of mind. So while I'm in it, I want to get down in writing what I think it's all about...

There are a couple of common threads I've found in all of these, though I'm still not certain on the scope of my fixation with them. One is that they're all Japanese in origin. I can think of two reasons for this. The first is simply that in initially finding this niche from Adult Swim (Eva, Cowboy Bebop, FMA, GITS, FLCL...), I just stayed familiar to and in the market. Maybe there's similar stuff over here, and I just don't see it. The second explanation for the Japanese theme is perhaps because it is foreign. Having a story based in a foreign land removes a lot of familiarity, so FLCL's world can be just as exciting as Spira (FFX). Of course I'm quite aware that actual Japan is not accurately represented by idyllic and simplistic showings in those series.

Another common thread is a grounding in reality, or at least in real, human emotion. Every one of the series I listed has something special going on in its universe(s), but those aspects are ancillary to the characters and their relationships and interactions. Eva has the whiny bitch Shinji, but it's the interactions with Asuka, Rei, and Mitsuo that are interesting. FFX has the fish out of water Tidus who is introduced, ushered, and eventually leading through this new world and story he finds himself in, alongside a cast of characters with different perspectives and lives. FLCL's Naoto has a boring life until it's shaken up by a crazy older woman. Haruhi's desires and her relationship with Kyon and revealed because of the supernatural aspects of that show. And P4's characters all have an appreciable, attractive depth to them, also evoked through the personification of Persona.

Some supernatural elements are more important than others. For Eva or FLCL, it's really on the side. The stakes raised, the reality heightened, and the world more exciting, but that's about it. FFX is similar, in that through another, magical world, certain choices and developments not normally seen in reality can be explored. In Haruhi or P4, though, these aspects serve as an exploration of characters' true desires. Seeing an artist's representation of certain personality traits or flaws personified, or seeing all aspects of a story through the lens of one character's subconscious wishes... That's something I truly love.

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Now why is that? Well, I want to have that kind of understanding or connection with someone for real. And I wonder if I ever have. So I get fixated on these stories with characters I value and can peer into. I want to help Kanji and Naoto with their sexual and gender identities, for example. I want to be close enough to someone that they'd ask for help from me. I relish taking part in an adventure with an ensemble cast, working together, and sharing something different and meaningful with each member. I long for assurance that I am valued by others, that my feelings towards people are reciprocated at equal measure. So many of my actions can be traced to this private, rooted cause.

And of course this goes further than friendship into romantic territory. One final thread my subjects of obsession all have are love interests. Asuka, Yuna, Rikku, Ninamori, Haruko, Haruhi, Naoto, Chie, Rise, Yukiko. Whether it's a single situation that I wish I could be in, a longer experience I wish to mutually share, or the character herself that I find attractive, this is undeniably a dominating factor in my fixation of these stories and characters.

When people talk about characters in video games, or, from my experience, when guys talk about girls in games, we usually reserve such deep emotional attachment or connection. We usually stay superficial, factual, or general: "She's hot."/"She was annoying."/"She was totally useless except for her overdrive."/"She was the best." So I feel like I'm going out on a limb, here. But for these games to be as popular and to have such a following as they do, I'm sure I'm not alone.

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So after all this mental dissection, it makes sense that these thoughts come flooding back when I look into this Persona 4 art book. I stare at these characters for which I wish I had a personal, real equivalent and challenging or enjoyable experiences with. I gobble up tidbits and facts to refine the character I have in my head. (I also marvel at the different perspective developers must have towards their games compared to fans, but that's for another time.)

While at DragonCon, though, meeting and hanging out with friends old and new, surrounded by those celebrating everything I enjoy and love, I had the best time in my recent memory. I don't think it takes a pink-haired alien to crash through my life to make me happy. Just... people who understand.

Anyway, I hope this is taken as simply an untangling of wires in my head. I finish this blog post feeling happy about critically analyzing my deep appreciation of certain media and making some things clear, as well as reminding myself that so much of what I desire is not so far out of reach. It's just... new. And different. I also wonder if these desires I feel will remain when I have real people and experiences to replace them.

Enough rehashing. Take us out, Gorillaz: