I think I've got a handle on a more visual description in my ongoing attempts to understand myself (and surely others).
Have any of you guys played Psychonauts? I grabbed it on Steam a good while back and played it through. It's incredibly imaginative and fun. One of the core gameplay elements is the ability to enter someone else's mind, usually to help them in some way. There are levels about paranoia, fear, ambition, and sadness, and they're all great. One level in particular I am finding relates to the idea I'm trying to get across. (Ignore the giant boss.)
This level is a giant cube that, when you activate certain buttons, releases a representation of a traumatic or formative event on that particular side. (Remember that this is a person's mind you're traipsing on.) It's hard to show in just a few images, but it's really only a loosely-fitting example. What I'm getting at with this is that I feel the way I carry myself resembles this level.
When I finish a show or book or movie, I think I process much more slowly than other people. I have a hard time getting up, leaving the theater in an instant, and giving an immediate summary of my sentiments, unless it's overwhelming positive or negative. And even then, I'm still pondering. Obviously, this applies more to something like The Matrix over Kung Fu Panda. I fucking loved Scott Pilgrim, and said so right afterward. But to this day I'm still thinking about how it represents the gamer generation I'm in.
What I'm doing when I'm reclusive and pensive is sorting out just what the work is doing to change my opinions and perceptions or enlighten me to something. Sometimes the most innocuous statement by anyone can have me extrapolating to deep philosophical questions like a well-crafted book would do.
What I visualize is happening is something like a Rubik's cube, shifting and sliding around, and sometimes expanding to accommodate more tiles. Reconfiguring and shifting to the new position that will represent me. What are these tiles, though? I think they're little bits of experiences that I've had that I take with me.
This is why I feel a compulsive need to, well, say or do something about great experiences I have. To put them up in written word for no one to read. (I certainly haven't reread all that Xanga stuff from years ago.) I don't think I'm alone in this regard. When you watch a great TV series, you want to talk about it, to share the experience with someone else who understands. Often, I choose to share it with the anonymous Internet.
I wouldn't look too much into this cube thing, even though I've set it up so much. What's really going on here is that I'm identifying the many things that make up who I am that come from specific places. I know I like to chock as many references or inside jokes about the specific set of media I have consumed all over my online persona. Check out this list of random things that used to be up top on my Facebook profile:
BLACK TIE
Gibson EB-0, 1961 model
The Golden Winged Ship
"Nursery rhymes to a generation"
01189998819991197253
POTATO BACON BOMBS
Phrases like "black tie" from the ZZ Top song "Sharp Dressed Man" or a famous Patton Oswalt punchline or the Engineer as my avatar in many places or the creation of an SOS Brigade headquarters in the Minecraft world I frequent are all examples of me carrying around my experiences, what I value.
Really, though, I want to sort out Haruhi Suzimaya. It's an anime series that is on my brain at the moment. I finished the shows and movie maybe two weeks ago now (buying the first light novel after much deliberation, as well), but I'm still catching myself drifting off, considering the implications of the story. It's all is based on a girl who is dissatisfied with reality. She's unhappy with the normal world, i.e. the one we all exist in. That notion makes me uncomfortable, I think. I've long taken the stance that ignorance is not bliss. That reality is always better than delusional fantasy. More and more, however, I'm seeing little instances where that position is hard to hold. Mathers in House made me think about this plenty. I tell little lies to make the world turn smoother, like anyone. But what I fear most are the implications on immersion into a story or fictional setting.
Is there a fine line between enjoying a story and wishing it were real? This just seems so childish, but it won't leave me. I begin to visualize one of the questions posed in my first philosophy class, wherein a simulation is offered of a perfectly normal life that you could live and experience in real time by wearing some sort of helmet. You're supposed to reject it, saying that the real world is better. But what if the simulation were better?
This is not a new question, of course. It's a question of fanciful delusion. But then you start asking what makes up the human experience. Chemical reactions creating pleasure and pain? Does it matter if the stimulus is a physical person or someone on a screen? I don't want to say I'm fortunate to not have to deal with this, since technology hasn't risen to this point yet. I want to have a decent answer, or at least not completely relinquish responsibility to answering it eventually.
Ugh, this post is becoming a jumble of topics. Really, this is all revolving around the Haruhi series, which stemmed or reignited a lot of these thoughts. I don't think I want a world full of the crazy stuff in that anime. Even if I did, that's not what's really troubling me. It's on so much more of a simpler level.
This is a very simple image, but it represents a lot of what I find missing in both my present and recent past. The present I can work on, but I feel like I'd have to get lucky. Or start searching. It's not like it'll get easier when I move away from the place where everyone is my age. At least the ratio might be better.
The past I have to sometimes convince myself is not so devoid or bereft of interpersonal relationships. But it really is. So what I have to do instead is realize that what I didn't have then is not something so irreplaceable that it should be lamented. I mean, I value maturity and intelligence, which only increase over time. But did I miss something crucial by not passing notes in class or participating in any of the other, more innocent aspects of infatuation?
While they might have been nice at the time, I don't think it's something I should worry about. Everyone's experience is different, and I had plenty of great ones in other areas. There's a whole 'nother topic on the benefits of school when it comes to friends and meeting people, though. It's an aspect that I worry I won't be able to replicate when I'm out on my own. I'll definitely post about that sometime.
It's becoming more clear why I watch shows that take place in high school situations. It might be filling a gap I perceive I have. At most in part, though: Haruhi really is fantastic, some of these personal quandaries aside.
