Ways I could have reacted:
1. Request earnestly that she reconsider, that she realize I'm the one for her and would love her to death. Make promises and plan a future together, by myself.
2. Stew, angrily, maybe showing it, maybe not, at what a horrible cunt she clearly is for leading me on to thinking she would be with me.
3. Walk away, quietly sobbing to myself, though quickly glancing to see her reaction. Perhaps hoping that she would realize the damage she has done and express sympathies and apologies and compassion.
They are all so tempting. And I've done some of them before. They all dominate my thinking in rapid succession, bubbling up and fighting each other to be the one acted upon. Fits of rage interspersed with sorrow and longing... which one do I choose?
The answer, of course, is None of the Above. The real answer was to listen. Make my case and see the response for what it was. In this situation, she gave me a look through the keyhole at her perspective. It was oceans away from me, even the polar opposite, but in that glance, that understanding, I knew I had reached the right answer.
I am still lonely. I have yet for someone to care about me in the same way that I deeply care about them. My heart brims with compassion that I desperately want to share, but it has to be with someone willing. And something like that cannot be rushed simply because I'm overflowing. Begging, yelling, crying, or waiting at a closed door also does nothing. I have a lot more questions I want answers to. And maybe I won't get them all, just like I won't get the girl. It's certainly not my right, no matter my expectation.
My want to be appreciated, cared about, or loved clouds my vision. I allow myself to mentally, preoccupyingly conjure visions of the subject appreciating what I do for them, wanting to be around me, or simply valuing knowing me. So much of it is completely within the purview of friendship, I must realize. I may well be extremely happy with friends, if I simply cherished them. But I'm only now truly attempting to value friendship as it is.
It's hopelessly ironic that I, self-described feminist, would have difficulty viewing female friends of mine as forever only friends. It's not like I'm seeing them as sexual objects, but still. The reason these never came into conflict was because my actions were always extremely measured and careful. I never, ever wanted to make someone else unhappy or uncomfortable if I could help it. (I still don't.) And I don't like having elephants in the room to avoid. So for a long time I didn't ask people out on dates or show affection in any overt way. I eagerly awaited anyone showing me any kind of affection, which never happened (with one exception I can recall). Guess I kept the elephants to myself?
I must learn to mentally parse the difference between pursuing friendship and an intimate relationship. This is the remaining pitfall that I cannot allow myself to slip into:
4. Go along with the premise of being a friend with intentions of slowly, surely winning her over in time.
When comforting someone, I have to do so out of pure compassion, not with the idea in the back of my head that they might consider me more than a friend later. I need to be able to have conversations where my responses aren't tinged by leading remarks or questions. I must respect myself and friends enough to not question their actions or inaction as indicators of disrespect or apathy.
Thems big words and a tall order. Regaining self-respect isn't a light switch. I barely even know how to change my mentality the way I need to. And I'll probably have more to say on this in the future. This can be a turning point where I join everyone else that I thought I was so separate from, for better or for worse.
It might actually feel better now being honest about it. The hesitation and the mental preoccupation and the unsaid undertones are simply unhealthy and just can't lead to anything good. And would I actually feel satisfied if I did win someone over like that? I'm hopeful that when I do find someone to share everything with, to be my partner, that my perspective will change. Just like she did for me on another, more carnal aspect.
If I can go without doing #4, if I can develop the ability to view females as friends, even very close ones, and stop there, I might just be the mature person I wish to be. Now, I'll finish with a song I love... dearly.
And no, it's not about anyone in particular. Not yet.
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