On the Best of Times, the Worst of Minds

I've spent 2 weeks at my summer job so far, and it's been fine. I'm hunting down bugs in recently-transported software, and I'm having some success remembering how things work. Everyone's as welcoming as they were the year before, and my worries about the transition to having a bedtime and commuting are fading with time.

Yesterday (I originally wrote this Friday night) was especially good. The night before and into the morning, I met a new friend. We have a lot in common, and I'd like to see where the conversation goes. However, my reaction to discovering this person has revealed something bad about me. It's not something altogether unsurprising, but perhaps another time on that one.

After the usual Mexican lunch, my boss called me in to talk salary. I had a feeling I would be getting an increase and had a number in mind, and his initial starting point was above that. He negotiated it higher better than I did. When it comes to this job, or my abilities in general, I feel in such a weird position to be estimating my worth. I wouldn't call it low self-esteem, but sometimes I think about things in dollars. "That bug fix cost him $200." Is that strange to consider? I want to say I undervalue my abilities, but I often wonder how I have the rate I do.

I'm also not a fan of skirting around issues (unless I'm feeling amorous and poetic), including the hard numbers that I'm talking about. But now, it'll feel like I'm bragging, which is the absolute opposite intent.

Later that day I solved an issue (great) and drove home in the pouring rain (scary at times). I thought it extremely unusual when going under bridges during the deluge. For brief seconds you could look with clear vision at your surroundings, find your bearings, before returning to the storm. Something in me becomes very attracted to unexpected refuge on journeys.

So with the title, you'd be expecting some bad news. Well, it's almost entirely internal, and therefore only as bad as I let it be. But sometimes I truly become fixated on certain things, whether it be recurring thoughts over weeks or wistful moments of trance and longing.

Putting it down in words is already making me cringe and hesitate, but here's an example.

Today I was sitting at my desk, staring at code or watching it compile. During this otherwise empty moment, I found myself slowly, repeatedly interlocking my fingers together. It was truly only half-subconscious. I thought of a shockingly visceral term for it: emotional masturbation.

At this point, the act seems so foreign, so beyond my personal realm of possibility. I picture it, and it's not me. It's a completely different person. I've been like this so long that it would hit me like a brick wall. I wouldn't know how to respond. It frustrates me that I've never been so close to a person to experience such a simple act, much less anything to follow.

I listened to some Foo Fighters on the way home today. This line always makes me think.

"Sometimes I feel I'm getting stuck, between the handshake and the fuck." - Foo Fighters, "My Poor Brain"

I originally had a misquote right there, until I looked it up. Turns out I've been mishearing it for years, switching its entire meaning. Something poetic and inspirational could come from this development, but... probably not.

Again, I originally wrote this on Friday night. Right now, I'm not feeling this, but it certainly does bring me down sometimes. Still, it's not like I'm moping around all the time; it just gets stuck in my mind.