On Thunderf00t on Sarkeesian on Feminism

This is a point-by-point commentary on Thunderf00t's (TF) latest video arguing against feminism, which was itself specifically against Anita Sarkeesian's "Damsels in Distress (Part 1)" video. I added descriptions of the prompts from the video (italicized) to guide the post.

 

[2:30] Thunderf00t's first substantial point, after dissecting a game I don't know enough about, concerns the motivations of game developers not being to appease feminists or to subjugate women, but to earn a profit.

His checklist of game developer priority is flawed. Rarely is it a conscious effort to subjugate or oppress women when you hear feminists objecting to the sex portrayed in media. No feminist I know believes that game designers meet in a room to discuss how best to oppress women. Designers do, however, surely discuss how to best use diversity to appeal to and respect a wide audience, rather than discourage it. The problem is the culture of our society that some games and their creators don't escape.

[3:45] TF proposes an alternate plot to Double Dragon, a game in which the player's girlfriend is kidnapped in the intro and the beat 'em up game begins to save her. He suggests that the feminist angle would be that the two male players leave to allow this "grown adult" to fend for herself.

His example of an alternate Double Dragon in which the player characters decide a captured grown women can care for herself is a strawman. Feminism does not reject compassion for others, and I would argue instead embraces empathy for the plight of a group of people. Feminists want women to be treated equally to men, not elevated above. The issue is not the act of rescuing another human being's life; it's about objectification and an underlying trend for male-saves-female. Somehow TF equates women's autonomy and equality with removing empathy, which I do not understand.

[5:00] - TF counters Anita's description of objectification of the damsel in distress by describing them as "loved ones to be helped".

A damsel in distress could be a "loved one to be helped" if she had characterization, if she acted in a significant way as a character. I remember the Paper Mario games at least implementing this with Peach-specific levels that advanced the plot in one and having her as a regular playable character in another.

This isn't about nitpicking a single instance and arm-twisting an acceptable interpretation. It's about a systemic and continual trend portraying women being more helpless and less human. In a world without the gender bias we see today, there would be little objection to a damsel in distress, as a proportional amount of the time it would be a man needing to be rescued. In a society and industry that has demonstrated a healthy perspective on gender, there would not be these sexist threads to analyze.

[5:30] - TF describes how the feminist position he constructs from the platform of "helping others objectifies them" extends to dismantling medical care.

His entire hospital/doctor rant is a strawman. Feminists do not equate willingness to sacrifice with objectification. A long history of games that use women with little humanizing characteristics as a reward, goal, or motivation, however, does strongly imply objectification.

[6:14] - TF shows the climactic ending to the opening scene of 2009's Star Trek, in which Kirk's father saves him and his mother by sending them to safety while piloting his ship into the attacking one.

His Star Trek clip, while a powerful scene from a good movie, clings to one example in a series known for its multi-racial, sexually-diverse, and sexuality-embracing tone. A series that is known for being progressive on these issues and establishing a trust long ago strongly (daresay obviously) implies that the scene he played is assuredly not meant to establish male superiority. Not to mention the obvious necessity for the woman giving birth, the person literally carrying the child, to be the one to be saved. Many more plausible reasons exist for the choices made in that scene, which is why there is little objection from feminists.

[7:30] - TF says the following quote: "You can over-analyze this to come to your desired conclusions."

I'm sure this quote will be tossed around fruitlessly. I already accused TF of arm-twisting a sensible plot out of a beat 'em up game myself. The point of Anita's videos are, again, not to find individual flaws in single games to be fought over. It is to explore the continual trend in gaming, over many games and decades, to exclude, subject, or objectify women.

[8:00] - TF satirically over-analyzes games to spin them as anti-male.

First of all, male characters in games are often the ones to be given agency and power. They are the capable ones, the heroes. They do not suffer nearly the level of objectification or stereotyping that female characters do. This deserves to be mentioned and kept in mind when discussing how men are treated in games.

Feminists I know would agree that men are also sometimes portrayed as dumb, violent, simplistic, lazy, or bad at specific things women are stereotypically good at. Men stand to gain from feminism and women's equality because certain undeserved traits or interests will no longer be associated with a specific sex. Men who cry will not be stigmatized. Women who enjoy sex will not be labeled as "sluts".

[9:00] - TF shows the many ways in which the knight can die in Dragon's Lair.

TF's satirical over-analyzing of the knight's many forms of death falls flat not only in the muddled minutia of his point but also when the game is placed in the tapestry of the many, many games for decades that repeat the "male hero saves female" trope. That's the point. Death totals hardly count when they don't capitalize on male stereotypes, especially when compared to the obvious sexualizing of the princess at the end as a reward for each correct choice.

[11:20] - TF reiterates that games are made for profit.

Yes, games are made to make money. But there's so much more to that idea. Games that represent the sexes fairly would capture more of the market, first of all. To alienate half the population that might otherwise be playing the same games that currently have male-dominated audiences is a true disservice to the developers' own industry.

But the larger point is that game companies, developers and publishers, that perpetuate old stereotypes should be avoided and no longer patronized. And reflecting upon the past informs our current state and our trajectory in the future.

[11:30] - TF satirically? comments on Anita wearing make-up and jewelry as indicators that she is a hypocrite and betraying feminist ideals.

Looking presentable for an informative video series is not submitting to the patriarchy or being hypocritical in any way. Obviously a feminist would try to look past societal norms and choose for himself or herself whether to wear make-up and jewelry. To assume this choice is a product of societal pressure is simply ad hominem in my opinion. And no, it's not as easy to paint the picture TF just attempted as it is to identify numerous games that continue sexist ideas. He is simply giving far too much leeway to the video game industry that all these examples of gender inequality in games can be explained away.

[12:40] - TF suggests for Anita and feminists to create "feminist games" themselves and see if they sell.

"Feminist games"? Games don't have to constantly push gender equality on the player to be deemed acceptable in a feminist view. Mass Effect is a trivially easy example where sex barely enters into the equation, except for, well, the act of sex, as well as biology (Asari, Krogan). Simply having men and women operating side-by-side exemplifies this ideal without calling attention to it, much like incorporating alien races do the same for a racial parallel. I already mentioned Star Trek before, but it holds the same standard in television and film. Skyrim creates a gender-neutral world, as well. BioWare and Bethesda have come a long way to appease a wide audience by treating different players fairly.

Much like games feminists would appreciate don't have to ham-fist the concept of privilege down players' throats, the games Anita discusses don't outright claim that women are inferior to men. It's not about being so overt, and TF knows this from his checklist, my first comment. It's about seeing women and men (and all else) portrayed in a reasonably balanced light. It's not about "sexist games" and "feminist games". It's about games that adopt one mentality or another, and how that effects society. And more women will enter the gaming market when games appeal to them, which will happen when they are portrayed fairly in them.

[15:35] - TF shows Tetris while positing that all games are over-analyzed by feminists to find sexism.

Don't put Tetris up to have the audience associate that with Anita's claims of systemic sexism in video games. Not every game follows every trope or trend, and puzzle games least likely so. The majority of relevant titles, ones that incorporate individuals with gender, however, do expose this sexist attitude.

[15:53] - TF tackles the following quote from Anita: "The belief that women are somehow a 'naturally weaker gender' is a deeply ingrained socially constructed myth, which of course is completely false" by pointing to biological differences (upper and lower body strength).

Anita is not ignoring the physical differences between men and women. She is emphasizing the numerous other dimensions for which a person can express capability or strength. "Weaker" is purposefully chosen to entail more than an arm-wrestling contest.

[17:07] - TF points to a sentence on Wikipedia coming from a feminist source, implying it is invalid.

Don't immediately associate Anita with some Wikipedia reference she never directly cited. TF's connections are tenuous at best and dishonest at worst. In this endless field of strawmen, it is mandatory that he connect the claims to whom he is arguing against.

[18:45] - TF notes "in passing" that she has disabled comments on her videos and refutes her reasoning of preventing harassment.

We have examples of what comments look like in videos that discuss gender equality. Look at Watson's initial elevator video for but a minute. It is not all rational discourse and disagreement you see, but threats, harassment, and sexism. Anonymous people ARE attacking women who speak on this issue because they are women and feminists.

---

I didn't hit everything TF brought up because of my lack of knowledge on the tone and content of specific games and the validity of various sources he complains about. I also ignored some of the more trivial points, especially concerning semantics.

One of Anita's last points is crucial to understand her overall message:

"Just to be clear, I am not saying that all games using the damsel in distress as a plot device are automatically sexist or have no value. But it’s undeniable that popular culture is a powerful influence in [our] lives and the Damsel in Distress trope as a recurring trend does help to normalize extremely toxic, patronizing and paternalistic attitudes about women."

Thunderf00t completely misses this subtlety, and it is his consistent failing to recognize the remarkably reasonable goals of the feminist movement that fuel this heated disagreement.

This is my first major post concerning feminism. I am open to constructive criticism from readers who feel I have misstepped or misrepresented the feminist position at any point.

Reddit Refresh

When I come home each night, I go through my routine of opening 5 separate tabs: Gmail, Facebook, Couch Athletics, YouTube, and Reddit. I then proceed to go through all the content created for me to consume from that day. I'm not the first to describe the process of consuming media as a chore, but it's come close to that, as I've come to realize.

Gmail could hold anything. I could check Facebook less often and not lose much. Couch Athletics has just a few posts a day, but I also need to help run the place. I enjoy the YouTube videos I watch, and I've taken control of my subscriptions by being willing to skip ones that don't catch my interest. Rhett and Link, I love y'all, but I'm not always willing to sit down for 10 minutes each day for you.

But Reddit sticks out to me as a site that I go to unenthusiastically, open up several tabs of quick, easy-to-digest content from imgur, and move on. I rarely vote at all, but lately when I do, it's a downvote of some repetitive or simplistic post in /r/atheism or /r/politics or a few other of the more objectionable subreddits.

So I'm dropping most of the main subreddits in hopes that I'll either be enriched by better content or spend less time on there. Here's a list of what I'm dropping and keeping, in case I look back fondly upon my time as a more mainstream Reddit user and wish to turn back. But I suppose it's also an opportunity to reflect on what I felt I was getting out of each:

Dropping

Funny - Not humorous enough regularly to warrant me keeping it.
Politics - Not interested in being frustrated at op-ed quotes and simplistic self posts.
Gaming - Tired of gaming memes.
AskReddit - Occasionally an interesting question, but usually just causes anger at Reddit community.
Atheism - There's so little that's interesting or useful anymore.
Bestof - Sometimes a good comment, usually not amazing.
DAE - I've seen enough of these, and they're rarely new.
F7U12 - I used to love and make these, but they're just a plain storytelling tool now.
ClassicRage - Not enough really entertaining comics for me to stick around.
BuildaPC - Useful to read while I was making this computer, but not very relevant right now.
AskCulinary - Meh, wasn't get much out of it.

Relevant Keeping

MildlyInteresting - Sticks to its theme, cute.
Games - News, replacement for Gaming.
AskScience - The best subreddit, easily.
AskHistorians - Useful, reliable information.
Programming - Occasional good information, never anything stupid.
Castles - Great pictures and history.
Tipofmytongue - Fun subreddit to see new things and maybe help someone out.
TrueAtheism - Replacement for Atheism.

Adding

Music - We'll see if this has good content!
Technology - Might want to keep up-to-date on hardware, software, and the industry
Movies - Some posts looked interesting. Like the other big subreddits I'm adding, we'll see.
WalkingDead - I like the show. Maybe I'll like talking about it.
Skeptic - Maybe a good addendum to TrueAtheism.
XX - If I can learn something about feminism from here, great.
MensRights - I should be able to tackle whatever I see here.
Geek - Meh, give it a shot.
YouShouldKnow - We all have gaps in our experience that we don't even know about.
MildlyInfuriating - The more like MildlyInteresting this is, the better.
ExplainLikeIAmA - Another one that could be fun.
ArtisanVideos - Should be insightful and entertaining, as well as inspire appreciation of technology.
DataIsBeautiful - It is.
PostCollapse - Could be fun.
FoodForThought - For if I ever have time to kill thinking about something challenging.

We'll see if this improves my online experience or if I'll miss the occasional chuckle amongst the web of tabs.

On Apologies

It was late tonight, lightly raining, after splitting from my friends after seeing an improv comedy show. I stopped to get some gas at a station I've passed by hundreds of times but never used. It's got the cashiers in an isolated glass room (assumed bulletproof). It's next to a Waffle House, Days Inn, and a strip joint called the Diamond Club. A couple of guys my age wander out eating Reese's Pieces and looking pale, not of full faculties. But they keep to themselves.

I'm filling up, watching around me, somewhat tense. In the back of my mind, I'm reminded that I'm fortunate that this is the worst of it. That fear of something bad happening to me is my most common woe. Not anything actually happening. I guess part of this is me looking in retrospect, but I do want to put this post in perspective.

My thoughts are broken by a man approaching in my general direction. He's middle-aged, wearing normal, clean clothing. He's got a bag that looks like it could have come from the gas station store. He doesn't look overtly threatening. But I'm hoping our brief eye contact doesn't mean his increasing proximity is targeted at me.

"How'd you like to make $40?"

Slight shock. He keeps a reasonable distance. The only thoughts in my head are that he might be asking for me to buy him something for him. But he's not a teenager, and I look close to one. It should be the other way, if anything. So what does he want? My mind glances the strip joint. Is this a joke? Surely he doesn't want that kind of "service". I'm being ridiculous.

"Nah, man, sorry."

My normal response when people approach me with on the street asking for something. My opinion on giving to people begging on the street isn't solidified, mind you, but that's where I generally am right now.

"I just need a ride to Buckhead. I'm not even sketchy."

During the day, he'd be right. He speaks plainly. I know that's no more than a 15-minute drive.

"I'm sorry man. I can't."

"That's okay; that's understandable."

He walks away. I rejected before honestly considering, I know. But I think about the situation more, about the myriad of bad endings taking the offer could have had. They involve guns, demands, lies, and me losing.

I finish filling up. As I drive away, I pass by him again while shuffling through a few other thoughts. Couldn't he call a taxi? Did he come from the strip joint? What stranded him here? Why is he standing away from the pumps by the tire inflators... in the rain?

As I drive away, I feel a sense of sorrow and sympathy for the man. I don't care to critique his approach. I want to help people when they're in need. But society prevented me from feeling comfortable doing that this time. Assuming he's a perfectly reasonable person who just got stuck somewhere, he stayed stuck for at least a bit longer through no fault of his own.

There was a distance between us too large for me to risk bridging because of the time, the place, and my general sense of safety in this area and the city. And for that, I truly feel sorry. I hope he's home now, safe. Like I am.

On 2012

Is it a little late to remember the last year? Whatever; so far this month has been to busy for me to have time to reflect on 2012. I think it's important to total up all the major changes and accomplishments and new experiences! These are ones that are easy to put dates or time periods to, but I wonder if there's more that I'm not thinking of:

• 17, 18 January: Attended the ECE Career Fair in which I pitched myself to companies with the very important goal of obtaining a job after graduation.
• 4-9 March: Traveled to Madison, Wisconsin for interviews with the company Epic, followed shortly by traveling to Washington D.C. for interviews with ViaSat. These were my first experiences traveling alone, using a rental car, exploring many national monuments, and sincerely contemplating my future career options. I pushed myself to converse with people around me I knew I would never meet again.
• 24 March: Saw a live Nerdist podcast and met the hosts. The first "event" in an effort to get out more.
• 27 April: Attended a debate with Campus Freethinkers followed by an unenjoyable graduation campus event that began to deteriorate an important relationship.
• 4 May: Graduated with a Masters in Electrical and Computer Engineering from Georgia Tech.
• 29 May: Started work at GTRI.
• Weekly Geek Trivia begins during the summer.
• 31 August-2 September: Attended Dragon*Con, was surrounded by people who appreciated and enjoyed the things I liked, saw many people I adored and respected.
• 18 October: Said goodbye to a co-op that I had a lot in common with, said hello to a new friend for the first time personally.
• 27 October-4 November: Met and did lots of things with lots of different friends. Began my concerted effort to reach out to others more, which continues today.
• Soon after this, was invited to a new group of friends that had me reconsidering some issues and their importance, as well as compassion in general.
• 9-15 December: First work-related travel to Edwards Air Force Base.

Two important resources were crucial to recording all these events. One is my Google Calendar, which is not only useful for keeping up with things coming in the future but is also great for looking back later. The other is something called "Highlights". This is an idea I got from Reddit that I decided to take quite seriously, and it's been enjoyable, cathartic, reflective, and productive to keep up with.

Highlights is a running document I have in which at the end of every day (or the beginning of the next) I write down the two "highlights" of that day. Some days they are simple, like "Made lots of progress on project at work" because I felt legitimately good about what I accomplished that day or "Had awesome conversation with someone". Some days they are "Celebrated Christmas with family" or "Went to Dragon*Con". So they're not always big, it's not always two, and some things often repeat. But that's okay.

What it does is encourage me to do things, for one. But importantly it helps to remind me of positive things in my life. At low points, it's easy to catch yourself spiraling, and the existence of this list can help prevent that by giving me a quick glance at good things happening around me, big or small. It can also be used as a journal of sorts, recording notable events in quick, single lines. I highly recommend it.

Now to start this year off, I've already made some steps in the right direction. I'm volunteering twice this week and must look up more regular opportunities for something like free tutoring. I feel I'd be good at that. I also went to two great parties already! One was a going-away party for a friend. Lots of drinking, since the host wanted to show off his bar-tending skills, and rightfully so. But it was lots of quality conversation. The other party was with some coworkers and other friends of theirs. It was a very "adult" party, in the least sexual sense of the word. I was the youngest person there, I think, playing CatchPhrase and trivia games with elementary school teachers and friends from GTRI. It was very... mature. People talking about the nice neighborhood instead of about how to pick up chicks. Taking a tour of the house and not watching flaming shots. Most people were married and not single.

And I'm still in the middle. Not quite comfortable leaping into that adult lifestyle, but not fully engrossed in college life any longer. It's going to be to where I move from this position that guides how 2013 plays out.

This song choice is inspired by an online friend that runs the only remaining Couch Athletics event as of right now. We're working to build it and other events back up with other members of the community. Anyway, Z-95 is a huge fan of Pendulum, and I recently bought a pair of their albums, which recently went down in price on Amazon. I love them, but this one's got that spacey, introspective sound to it that rounds out this post well.

On New Years

While I make them, I don't fixate on new year's resolutions as much as some other people. It's more because I'm reserved and very slow to adopt new ideas or latch myself to something, be that the need for personal growth or specific goals for the next 365 days. Despite my best efforts, though, I did make positive changes and have new experiences. Not all were perfectly aligned with my resolutions, but you never can quite predict what's in your future.

Here's my list for 2012, with a description of my success or failure after each:

Write one article (or something substantial) a month

I wrote these resolutions when writing articles for the front pages of Couch Athletics was still a semi-active pursuit. I didn't complete this one exactly. In fact, I don't know if I wrote any of the specific pieces I've long had in mind this year. My signature on the CA forums constantly reminded me of how far behind I was. This resolution was not enough motivation to get it done.

However, looking down the list of posts I've made this year on this blog, my total evens out pretty well. They aren't all perfectly structured, readable pieces that everyone can enjoy. In fact, many are not and quite the opposite. But quite a few are carefully constructed arguments about internal conflicts I've been having, assessments of new experiences in my life, and of course some regular old theistic debates.

And I've written long posts and comments and pieces all over the place, from Reddit to YouTube to Facebook to email. I've produced a lot. And so from this, I give it a somewhat successful.

Read the three books I bought in Iowa three years ago

Ugh, I still haven't. I made an effort to keep The Hitchhiker's Guide handy in my car for any time I'm waiting around, but I still haven't dug into it like I know I could, if I just made the time.

On the plus side, I've been reading the magazine Wired almost every morning since June, and it's been very enjoyable. I'm inundated as of late with Economist magazines that I don't have time for. And in the past two months I've been reading more articles and blog posts online, as well. So I'm learning cool things and keeping up-to-date, but none of that really counts for the true, original resolution.

Go out to more local events

In the strictest sense, I did this a few times. I went to see the Nerdist Podcast live in March. I went to DragonCon, which was one of the highlights of the year. And I saw Jonathan Coulton live.

But in the broader scope, I was really setting a goal for myself to get out more. And I did. While still in school, my roommates and I kept up a roughly-weekly trend of going out to eat. After graduation, I maintained attending a weekly trivia event with another group of friends. And when I felt that wasn't enough, I started asking people more often if they'd like to do things. Seeing movies, going out to eat, whatever! And it's been wonderful.

Do something for Spring Break for once

I'm going to go ahead and say I didn't do this one. The idea was to simply go on a vacation. Sometime. I didn't do it during Spring Break, for one because I didn't plan anything, but for another because I was surrounded by other obligations. Some were fun events like the Nerdist show or seeing Dawkins. But my interview traveling and job application process was right in there, too.

I've still only taken 2 vacation hours from work. Hell, I'm here on New Year's Eve. But with my newfound passion for the skeptical/scientific/atheistic/secular movement, I plan to attend more conferences and get out of the routine a bit more. Though it's crazy how long it's been since I've been to the beach. I'm just scared of planning something like that, just like I'm scared of planning something around my birthday.

Find a job

From where do you think I'm writing this? <_< >_>

(I had to look up HTML escape characters to get those faces right.)

This one was pretty obvious to pick, seeing as how I was graduating this year and stressing out about career fair and interviews. It's also quite binary; there's little grey area here. So far I'm happy at GTRI, but one of the fundamental questions that keeps coming up is if my hobbies or interests are to remain on the side or become a larger part of my life.

---

There's a lot more I can say about this eventful year, but I'll keep it focused down to the topic at hand for now. What are my New Year's Resolutions for 2013? Let's see...

Volunteer my time more often

Form more and deeper relationships with people

Produce something creative each month

Break the routine with travel or vacation at least twice

Play a substantial amount of many games in my Steam library and from Humble Bundles

Move into my own living space

I'd love to hear yours! Share them with me if you'd like.

Oh! And I guess I should end with a song. How about one from the Apocalyptic Playlist I put together for 21 December?

On Security

I was on a work trip to California two weeks ago. It was an enjoyable experience full of firsts both exciting and trepidatious!

In preparing for the trip, I attempted to reactivate my Delta Skymiles account. I'll be simplifying some details, but it turns out that I still had an (empty) account from a decade ago. I wanted to keep that one active, but I didn't have access to my email from that long ago (as of pretty recently, actually). The support person was able to add in my trip's miles to the account, but I wasn't able to access it without that email.

The solution was to physically send a letter to the address in the account with a new PIN to re-access it. I thought that was funny, but I was happy at the tight security Delta appeared to have in all this. The support person couldn't give me many details about my account, since I never fully, completely proved I was the owner. All was tied to the reliability of information in the account. So if I were some bad guy, I may have been thwarted. Great!

After I get back from my trip, last week, the letter arrives. And soon after my enthusiasm for Delta's security evaporates. Everything until this point has been the level of security I would come to expect for accounts holding quite a bit of value, until I actually read the PIN Delta chose to reset my account with.

I'm expecting those reading this to guess what it is, and that should be an indication of how bad it was. It is the most-naively-used and most-easily-hijackable four-number combination possible.

Which renders all these other security measures for naught! If the bad guy simply knows that Delta resets PINs to the simplest four digits possible, he need only know the Skymiles account number, which he most likely already did by getting as far as he did in the phone call, and he's set. He's got the account!

Now I don't know for sure if Delta always resets to that number. I have a sample size of one. But the likelihood is one in ten-thousand if it were random. And Delta mailing out reset PINs doesn't seem very common, so it's likely this is an overlooked hole. But I felt it important to share this experience and perhaps inform Delta of what I believe to be a security flaw in their Skymiles account system.

January update:

Delta sent me another piece of mail which contained the password I had set up on the account (to replace the PIN system they are trying to phase out). Talk about complaining of emails having passwords in plain text, this was mine printing in ink and mailed to me.

I didn't even need it, really, but I guess this was a final notice to the owner of the account in case all this time it was being hijacked. But printing out my password? Unnecessary. Risky.

On Dropping Subjects

What does it mean to drop a subject in conversation?

It doesn't mean the issue is resolved. If anything, it means it's postponed or hopefully forgotten. It means the person regrets the sentiment or topic coming up, be it badly timed, premature, or simply uncomfortable.

It's surprising that I first tried to think of examples from film or television where you can usually see the motivation from both sides. I couldn't think of personal examples at first. I feel like that's because I don't often bring up a subject and try to withdraw it so directly. I have regretted talking about things with people, to be sure, but I find myself quietly steering away without confronting and acknowledging what I consider my mistake. This is sparked by what I now realize are misguided attempts to adhere to a flawed philosophy.

I used to think that truth should be the be-all, end-all goal for everything. I said that ignorance was unfulfilled bliss, meaning that operating under a lie might feel comforting, but understanding and resolving that untruth would eventually lead to an even more satisfying existence. An obvious analogy is to religion. And maybe in a broad sense that still is true to me, but I've found so many little holes in this philosophy, including ones that relate to this post's subject.

I mean, I never really acted in accordance with this idea. I wouldn't go out of my way to spoil every film or television show or book. I would tell white lies. I would tell lies to smooth over social interactions. I wouldn't let everyone know of every opinion I held of them. Now some of this was because not everyone thought the way I did. But even when I thought the only consequence was on myself, I wouldn't follow through. I never really approached a full, universal appreciation of any and all criticism from my peers.

Even simple silence stands in the way of truth.

Now perhaps truth is positively correlated with happiness. This leaves room for exceptions both permanent and temporary. Once you know someone better with time, then perhaps you can feel that bringing up a sore spot will be acknowledged and not destroy the relationship. We intuitively know this. You show your best side when meeting someone new; you don't lay your most troubling issues bare in your second conversation. (Wait, shit.) You progress, and if you continue to mutually value and understand each other, then heavier criticisms will be accepted.

Even before now, with regards to my action, there comes a point where no matter what the intention or reasoning behind wishing to withdraw from a subject actually is, if I respect this person, I should be willing to oblige. I've long done this when I'm encroaching on something they don't wish to discuss, but only now do I realize that the same courtesy should be afforded to the person even if they brought something up. It could well be because they believe the magnitude of the subject is enough to jeopardize the relationship. Really, they feel they're preserving it, which I should truly value, instead of objecting to. I don't always know best, even when it concerns me.

I still wonder if a more honest and open world would be better. A society in which instead of saying, "Sorry, I'm busy," one is welcome to say, "I don't enjoy being around you that often." A place where what we consider the deepest cuts ("You're selfish.") are simply useful data points. The major problem is that of eliminating undertones and implications. Somehow we'd have to reach a point where the second statement didn't also mean, "...And don't ask me again". Instead, though, we prefer this foggy haze of where we really stand among each other, operating on ill-defined boundaries to keep us from being hurt. Maybe I don't like this because I have been hurt by it.

I guess I'm just bothered by the idea that knowledge does not always lead to happiness, progress, or improvement. It implies that being ignorant of things may have you leading a better life. Of course, whether or not I'm happy with that conclusion should have no bearing on what my position is. Guess I'm no better than the religious in that respect.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot when a few people do.

On Danke

I enjoyed visiting extended family at Thanksgiving today. For a while. I'm well into the age for which I'm on the same level as the adults and parents in the house, catching up, updating statuses, and swapping experiences. But I just didn't do that much today. I got asked a little bit about my transition from school to the new job, but that's about it.

I actually really want to have legitimate, real conversations with some of my relatives, but that just wasn't allowed today. So much conversation centers on the most pointless and the repetitive. Yes, talk about how the dog finds the tennis ball in the yard every time. Tell it again for the new people, too. No, I don't give a flying fuck about who wins the football game Saturday. But yeah, chide me for going to the rival school. Haha, that's funny, as I scream quietly in my head.

I suppose it's the group dynamic. I couldn't approach some of these people already in conversations I couldn't relate to and ask about what's going on in their lives. I'm too distant and the barriers to entry are too high. But I genuinely want to be connected to them, learn about them and from their experiences. ...Especially since some of them are just a few steps ahead of where I am in life.

But all holiday events in my family end with a single, infuriating tradition. Well, they don't end, I guess. What I mean is that my parents are in control of when they, me, and my siblings leave the gathering. And we consistently stay the longest of anyone, not overstaying our welcome, but certainly outlasting my patience. One parent or another says we should be getting going, but we stay. We stay we stay we stay. They continue the aforementioned conversations that I have no part in, and I wait around, keeping composure. Not once do I remember ever having to leave before I wanted to; it has always been the opposite. And well into the opposite.

Still, if I distance myself from these annoyances, my appreciation for seeing my extended family is there, certainly. Even in the mundane I see the character of my cousins, uncles, and their children. I retroactively understand their changes through our yearly meetings, see glimpses of their lives through conversations past me. I do have a sense of belonging there, even though I am quite different from so many of them.

When I get thankful, I often get to the real, basic privileges I have in life that create the fortunate place I'm in. I don't feel like those are covered quite enough. I'm thankful for my family, for all my parents have provided me that has put me on this course to being successful. I'm thankful for my country, which is a stable one that allows me to speak and live freely, unlike so many other places in the world. I'm thankful for the history of women and men working, fighting, thinking, creating, and dying for the greater good, so that we might have the world as we know it today. I'm thankful for the grand cosmic coincidence of the universe that permits us to exist in spite of its own hostile nature. We're fragile little people on a fragile little rock, and we have to take care of each other and it to survive. If we're only going to remember that once a year, I'm sure as hell going to make sure we do.

This year, more than usual, I'm thankful for friends, old and especially new, as well, for them opening me up to new perspectives and experiences, for making me feel worth something, and for allowing me to perhaps make their lives a little better, too. Which is always my goal.

This song was just too good for me when I was ten and playing THPS1. You can take it as a love song, sure, but in this case I'd look at it as a plea for an appreciation of just what brought us to be where we are, here and now.

On TILFs

Came a little bit close to trouble today on the way to Turkey Fry.

I was driving down, listening to the Planet Money podcast on Lance Armstrong's doping scandal. I forget how it related to economics. Maybe because it was run like a business? Anyway, they get to describing exactly what Lance and his team did to win in graphic detail. I decided to write an email to the people who make the show. Some friends convinced me it was a good idea to send it after some edits...

I love Planet Money. I love the interesting topics, the approach, and the quality. I've emailed you several times before and am overjoyed when I get responses. And this still is the case, despite what I feel I should mention that happened to me today.

This most recent podcast about Lance Armstrong, in which you vividly describe the lengths he went to keep his team on top, specifically blood transfusions, almost made me pass out while driving my car on the highway. I pulled over as my vision got blurry, waited for 10 minutes to recompose, and continued on just fine.

I should have stopped the episode much earlier, but I pressed on, thinking I could handle it. Turns out that wasn't the case. I'm not sure if this is a phobia, much less what of exactly, but if there's a chance that other people had this reaction, I felt it important to at least say so. If others did, perhaps this was a topic that deserved a warning of some kind.

Again, I love your show. And I don't want to stifle branching out into less directly-economic-focused topics. It's my fault that I didn't stop it when I knew it would be going into bad territory for me. I'm not demanding action or anything. I just felt it important, if this problem is more than just my own, to put my voice out there. And to offer my usual praise despite it.

I also really, really hope this isn't severely out of line. I debated for a while about sending this.

 - Ross Llewallyn

I honestly used to roll my eyes at the disclaimers before radio programs or television shows. But I so obviously understand part of their purpose so much better now. Shouldn't be so quick to judge.

Turkey Fry itself was awesome as usual. I'm amazing at how little it actually takes for me to totally recharge my self-esteem and outlook on life. Just being with people who enjoy having me around and helping out to make things run smoothly gives me this immense sense of belonging that I seem to lose at times. It's totally true that you only value something when you don't have it, and that support structure is so obvious to me now. People who laugh at my jokes, people who are fun, people who are easy to talk to. People with whom I have a history. That's something to hang on to. Closely. Dearly.

Saturday was fun, as well. I went with a friend to our first Atlanta Skeptics meet-up, where I watched a presentation about Martin Gardner. They were a delightful group, and the presentation was very interesting. I even got a free book, and lots of stuff to give out at our next Campus Freethinkers meeting. Yay!

Oh, and the Rainbow Pages, which was a surprisingly fun piece of extended conversation. Hope Guam hangs onto it.

Man, what do I do now? I ended on a reasonably positive note. What could possibly capture that emotion in song? How about something I bought recently:

Now, Ross, let's not get crazy with the positivity. The ups and downs all seem so fleeting, and who knows where you'll be next weekend? But I do love this song.

On Being Drawn and Eighthed

And... release.

Ways I could have reacted:

1. Request earnestly that she reconsider, that she realize I'm the one for her and would love her to death. Make promises and plan a future together, by myself.

2. Stew, angrily, maybe showing it, maybe not, at what a horrible cunt she clearly is for leading me on to thinking she would be with me.

3. Walk away, quietly sobbing to myself, though quickly glancing to see her reaction. Perhaps hoping that she would realize the damage she has done and express sympathies and apologies and compassion.

They are all so tempting. And I've done some of them before. They all dominate my thinking in rapid succession, bubbling up and fighting each other to be the one acted upon. Fits of rage interspersed with sorrow and longing... which one do I choose?

The answer, of course, is None of the Above. The real answer was to listen. Make my case and see the response for what it was. In this situation, she gave me a look through the keyhole at her perspective. It was oceans away from me, even the polar opposite, but in that glance, that understanding, I knew I had reached the right answer.

I am still lonely. I have yet for someone to care about me in the same way that I deeply care about them. My heart brims with compassion that I desperately want to share, but it has to be with someone willing. And something like that cannot be rushed simply because I'm overflowing. Begging, yelling, crying, or waiting at a closed door also does nothing. I have a lot more questions I want answers to. And maybe I won't get them all, just like I won't get the girl. It's certainly not my right, no matter my expectation.

My want to be appreciated, cared about, or loved clouds my vision. I allow myself to mentally, preoccupyingly conjure visions of the subject appreciating what I do for them, wanting to be around me, or simply valuing knowing me. So much of it is completely within the purview of friendship, I must realize. I may well be extremely happy with friends, if I simply cherished them. But I'm only now truly attempting to value friendship as it is.

It's hopelessly ironic that I, self-described feminist, would have difficulty viewing female friends of mine as forever only friends. It's not like I'm seeing them as sexual objects, but still. The reason these never came into conflict was because my actions were always extremely measured and careful. I never, ever wanted to make someone else unhappy or uncomfortable if I could help it. (I still don't.) And I don't like having elephants in the room to avoid. So for a long time I didn't ask people out on dates or show affection in any overt way. I eagerly awaited anyone showing me any kind of affection, which never happened (with one exception I can recall). Guess I kept the elephants to myself?

I must learn to mentally parse the difference between pursuing friendship and an intimate relationship. This is the remaining pitfall that I cannot allow myself to slip into:

4. Go along with the premise of being a friend with intentions of slowly, surely winning her over in time.

When comforting someone, I have to do so out of pure compassion, not with the idea in the back of my head that they might consider me more than a friend later. I need to be able to have conversations where my responses aren't tinged by leading remarks or questions. I must respect myself and friends enough to not question their actions or inaction as indicators of disrespect or apathy.

Thems big words and a tall order. Regaining self-respect isn't a light switch. I barely even know how to change my mentality the way I need to. And I'll probably have more to say on this in the future. This can be a turning point where I join everyone else that I thought I was so separate from, for better or for worse.

It might actually feel better now being honest about it. The hesitation and the mental preoccupation and the unsaid undertones are simply unhealthy and just can't lead to anything good. And would I actually feel satisfied if I did win someone over like that? I'm hopeful that when I do find someone to share everything with, to be my partner, that my perspective will change. Just like she did for me on another, more carnal aspect.

If I can go without doing #4, if I can develop the ability to view females as friends, even very close ones, and stop there, I might just be the mature person I wish to be. Now, I'll finish with a song I love... dearly.

And no, it's not about anyone in particular. Not yet.

On Heterogeneous Mixtures

I was looking through my Facebook profile, in my usual narcissistic and extremely self-conscious way. Well, actually, I was adding this site to my profile so that people who actually care enough to look into what I do will reasonably be able to find it. But I noticed the "About You" section, which used to be more centrally located, and the collection of random ideas and references within. It reads, as of right now, as follows:

That's Ross the Boss to you.

BLACK TIE

Gibson EB-0, 1961 model

The Golden Winged Ship

"Nursery rhymes to a generation"

01189998819991197253

POTATO BACON BOMBS

Turbo encabulator master

...I prefer "eccentric".

And I thought that for once I'd dive into what each of these lines means...

---

That's Ross the Boss to you.

Not meant to be arrogant at all. Just to be funny and introduce the idea that a lot of people know my quasi-nickname. While they won't often address me as such, it's a phrase that comes up occasionally, and it helps when introducing myself to offer up a cheeky little rhyming phrase.

BLACK TIE

A line from the ZZ Top song "Sharp Dressed Man". The specific line is this extremely low baritone repetition by what I assume was Dusty Hill. I was more intimately introduced to the song in Guitar Hero, where I grew to really love it. And that line just stuck out to me and still does. I suppose it's my Southern redneck masculinity calling.

Gibson EB-0, 1961 model

An actual guitar, but also a line from an episode of FLCL that I just find funny. And I do really like FLCL. There are a lot of silly random objects, themes, and ideas from that show that I enjoy referencing.

The Golden Winged Ship

Part of a line from the song "Castles Made of Sand" by Jimi Hendrix. The song is fairly clear in meaning. The last verse, though, has a more positive message, where a certain object stops someone from suicide. And on less heavy terms, I really want to be that for people. Not some shining, radiant naval vessel, but someone that at least improves other people's lives, makes them feel better about themselves, experience something new, or think in a different way.

"Nursery rhymes to a generation"

A line Edgar Wright used to his message to Nintendo to allow him to use Zelda music in Scott Pilgrim. I like it a lot, because it's extremely true. Chiptune as a genre exists almost entirely because of our collective affection for old games with limited sound-making capabilities.

01189998819991197253

A humorous sketch from the show The IT Crowd. I like British humor, and I believe this encapsulates it perfectly, including being hilarious.

POTATO BACON BOMBS

A specific line from a Patton Oswalt routine about the ferocious advertising that Black Angus started adopting. The idea of terrifying or challenging someone into eating at your establishment is way too funny. And Patton is one of my very favorite comedians. That video is not his best delivery of the bit, however.

Turbo encabulator master

The profession of expertise on the subject of a satirical video involving a metric fuckton of engineering terms. Sometimes I feel like I'm right in the middle of it all in my career. I'm never too sure of myself that I'm competent enough to be where I am. Also, hell, good science and engineering humor is hard to come by.

...I prefer "eccentric".

Something I thought up when I was making profiles a decade ago online. I had and still have quirks, and that was my way of pre-countering people who would call them out. I would at times do this to my detriment around antagonistic individuals, self-deprecating to the point of insignificance. Now I just find it a little funny.

---

I've probably spent more time constructing my Facebook profile and online presence than most do. I'm probably far too preoccupied with how others perceive me than I need to be. But I don't get much intimate contact, in whatever form you might imagine that phrase to mean. So I put (most) everything about myself out there for people to see, always only if they wanted to. It's a quiet fantasy of mine that someone would look at my meticulously-constructed online identity, preferences, and output and think me interesting.

I'm not always so insecure and without self-esteem. It seems to wax and wane with what's going on around me. I feel that if I produced something creatively or just did something positive outside of work, it might make me feel a lot better. At least, if people cared about what I did. I can easily be proud of something I've created. But others liking it definitely helps!

On Giving Three Steps: Two Forward, One Back

Sunday I started a blog post called "On the Best Week Ever", in which I was fully prepared to regale all who peruse this black backwater blog with several positive experiences in a row. There were some negative undertones and uncertainty throughout, but overall it felt great at the time:

• On Saturday, October 27, I dealt with a tipsy and depressed friend. At first I was a little bothered, but that quickly turned to feeling very good and important trying to make a connection with her and make her realize that she should not be so sad.
• Sunday I met with three former (and most excellent) roommates to see Cloud Atlas and have lunch. Awesome movie, awesome people to be around. I was very happy to actually do something on a weekend after a long while.
• Monday, I had dinner with two friends, which was really just 5 hours of supremely enjoyable company. It's nice to just have that without some pretense or distraction, with the right people, of course.
• Tuesday was trivia in which I alone knew what the group The Kids in the Hall was.
• Wednesday was Halloween, a holiday for which I didn't do much but wear a cape to work. People appreciated it.
• Thursday was Campus FreeThinkers movie night with Dr. Horrible. Afterward, I felt a little inspired, and when I got home, I told my sister that she was a great person and enjoyable to be around. I am so glad I did that, because that kind of sentiment just isn't expressed very often in our family.
• Friday, I went to see Argo with two of the same roommates, and we had dinner with the third, as well.
• On Saturday, November 3, the week was easily topped off by driving three hours to visit a friend for the weekend. Turns out I left something there, though I was hoping to do so.
• By Sunday, I would have said a quiet prayer for George V. Hudson, if I had remembered his name, for giving me an extra hour to be closer to any other person than I had previously.

I left quite happy with myself, eating an Insomnia Cookie and singing the entirety of Appetite for Destruction on the drive back.

---

But since then it's been quite tumultuous in my head. I've spent this whole week trying to piece together how I feel, but it changes day to day. I've got lots of sticky notes in my wallet that I write when I have to get a thought or sentiment out in a restricted space. Hopefully this post will be a tempered and reasoned summary of all this processing.

I realize now that what really happened was that my assessment of the relationship was askew from hers. And the longer this goes on, the more imbalanced it becomes. I've done it before, and I'm doing it again. During the very few times I've fancied someone and have actually been given a chance to do something about it, my mind goes wild thinking of the person, reading, rereading, and remembered the meager words and attention they've given me. I could be rightly called obsessing, if I'm so frank.

Why do I do this? Well, I've never had a connection so deep, personal, and rich that was actually requited. Even the person I thought my best friend turns out to not think too highly of me. So when I get a glimpse of a chance that someone might care about me as much as I do them, I get very excited and apparently very ahead of myself.

So she told me she was nervous about a date she was going on with another guy the same day that I woke up holding on to her. She asked for advice on these cute red boots to her friends. Then I saw this today:

Guise [name] said he likes me :3

^_^

Aww, adorable.

We were in public for the first time around people we both know and it wasn't awkward and there was even a little bit of affection in public and aghhhhhh

Eeeeeeeeeeee

You're going to become one of those obnoxiously adorable but kind of actually obnoxious couples, aren't you :P

I mean

I am super obnoxious by myself.

;)

When I saw this, I sent it in an email to myself for later, titled "I hate myself". I feel this is relevant because in none of this do I blame her. She has done wonderful things for me, and I really hope she would say I've done something for her. And it would be ridiculous to be angry at her for being happy around someone else. I hate that my jealousy rages. But to reach such emotional heights around her only makes the collapse worse. It would make me unbelievably happy to learn that someone privately confessed anything of this sort about me.

When do I get a turn?

...Ugh, that's so stupid. I know the universe doesn't work that way.

On the bright side, at least I can listen to more than the first seconds of this song. And as I posted on Facebook, on the drive home today, I figured out that at least one cure for my sadness is listening to rednecks talk about numbers of steps, marsh melodies, or places they're not from but still call Sweet Home. Let's wrap up with some o' that:

Maybe I'll show her this after she gets back from an enjoyable weekend that I don't want to distract from.

On Problems

It's a problem that just keeps building. The family likes to think that it subsides when we go for a while without an explosion. But it doesn't get any better because we don't resolve or change anything. It's just... so very hard. It's unstable. I'm going to try my best to diffuse it slowly by establishing regular communications.

I'm scared. For him. For everyone.

I want desperately to talk with someone about this, but I just can't burden other people with my problems. I don't feel like I know anyone for which it's fair for me to approach with all this. So I post about it, quietly, on a blog, with hopes that someone would come to me, willing to listen. Someone that would understand the pain behind my eyes when a happy face is required.

This song makes me cry when I consider what he might be thinking, especially when I'm sure he's listened to it before...

And now I'm already second-guessing myself before posting this. "Don't be so melodramatic." ...But it's how I feel. And this is... Yeah, it fucking is. It's the biggest problem I've ever faced in my life.

On Re-Hashing

It comes up, again and again. And I rehash and rehash this topic. But each time I refine my understanding of myself. So here we go again.

I have an intense and near-insatiable desire for immersion into specific games, shows, movies, and more. Over the summer, it was the game Persona 4. Chronologically, from what I can remember, the following have been the biggest examples: Evangelion, Final Fantasy X, FLCL, and Haruhi Suzumiya. I was recently encouraged to get the art book for P4, which I finished looking and reading through today, and that's what brought me back to this state of mind. So while I'm in it, I want to get down in writing what I think it's all about...

There are a couple of common threads I've found in all of these, though I'm still not certain on the scope of my fixation with them. One is that they're all Japanese in origin. I can think of two reasons for this. The first is simply that in initially finding this niche from Adult Swim (Eva, Cowboy Bebop, FMA, GITS, FLCL...), I just stayed familiar to and in the market. Maybe there's similar stuff over here, and I just don't see it. The second explanation for the Japanese theme is perhaps because it is foreign. Having a story based in a foreign land removes a lot of familiarity, so FLCL's world can be just as exciting as Spira (FFX). Of course I'm quite aware that actual Japan is not accurately represented by idyllic and simplistic showings in those series.

Another common thread is a grounding in reality, or at least in real, human emotion. Every one of the series I listed has something special going on in its universe(s), but those aspects are ancillary to the characters and their relationships and interactions. Eva has the whiny bitch Shinji, but it's the interactions with Asuka, Rei, and Mitsuo that are interesting. FFX has the fish out of water Tidus who is introduced, ushered, and eventually leading through this new world and story he finds himself in, alongside a cast of characters with different perspectives and lives. FLCL's Naoto has a boring life until it's shaken up by a crazy older woman. Haruhi's desires and her relationship with Kyon and revealed because of the supernatural aspects of that show. And P4's characters all have an appreciable, attractive depth to them, also evoked through the personification of Persona.

Some supernatural elements are more important than others. For Eva or FLCL, it's really on the side. The stakes raised, the reality heightened, and the world more exciting, but that's about it. FFX is similar, in that through another, magical world, certain choices and developments not normally seen in reality can be explored. In Haruhi or P4, though, these aspects serve as an exploration of characters' true desires. Seeing an artist's representation of certain personality traits or flaws personified, or seeing all aspects of a story through the lens of one character's subconscious wishes... That's something I truly love.

---

Now why is that? Well, I want to have that kind of understanding or connection with someone for real. And I wonder if I ever have. So I get fixated on these stories with characters I value and can peer into. I want to help Kanji and Naoto with their sexual and gender identities, for example. I want to be close enough to someone that they'd ask for help from me. I relish taking part in an adventure with an ensemble cast, working together, and sharing something different and meaningful with each member. I long for assurance that I am valued by others, that my feelings towards people are reciprocated at equal measure. So many of my actions can be traced to this private, rooted cause.

And of course this goes further than friendship into romantic territory. One final thread my subjects of obsession all have are love interests. Asuka, Yuna, Rikku, Ninamori, Haruko, Haruhi, Naoto, Chie, Rise, Yukiko. Whether it's a single situation that I wish I could be in, a longer experience I wish to mutually share, or the character herself that I find attractive, this is undeniably a dominating factor in my fixation of these stories and characters.

When people talk about characters in video games, or, from my experience, when guys talk about girls in games, we usually reserve such deep emotional attachment or connection. We usually stay superficial, factual, or general: "She's hot."/"She was annoying."/"She was totally useless except for her overdrive."/"She was the best." So I feel like I'm going out on a limb, here. But for these games to be as popular and to have such a following as they do, I'm sure I'm not alone.

---

So after all this mental dissection, it makes sense that these thoughts come flooding back when I look into this Persona 4 art book. I stare at these characters for which I wish I had a personal, real equivalent and challenging or enjoyable experiences with. I gobble up tidbits and facts to refine the character I have in my head. (I also marvel at the different perspective developers must have towards their games compared to fans, but that's for another time.)

While at DragonCon, though, meeting and hanging out with friends old and new, surrounded by those celebrating everything I enjoy and love, I had the best time in my recent memory. I don't think it takes a pink-haired alien to crash through my life to make me happy. Just... people who understand.

Anyway, I hope this is taken as simply an untangling of wires in my head. I finish this blog post feeling happy about critically analyzing my deep appreciation of certain media and making some things clear, as well as reminding myself that so much of what I desire is not so far out of reach. It's just... new. And different. I also wonder if these desires I feel will remain when I have real people and experiences to replace them.

Enough rehashing. Take us out, Gorillaz:

On Best Friends

It's a depressing realization to figure out that you are no one's best friend.

Sometimes I wonder if I was for anyone at any time.

Besides my cats.

I want to matter to someone. But it's hard when with so many we have parted physically, behaviorally, emotionally, mentally...

I have stupid fantasies of someone responding to this post saying, "Me! Me! How could you forget me?!" But that's just not realistic. No pressure if you do consider responding, though.

On Epic Conclusions

I turned down my offer to Epic today, and they asked for a survey response as to why. I think it sums up my feelings towards it, albeit focusing on the negative, but it's a good way for me to get out how I felt about some aspects of being there.

When asked what they could have done differently about the interview process/experience:

I felt like I was assessed in every possible direction and every possible way, almost to an excess. I took a 3-hour test before visiting, took another, shorter one on the trip, was surprised by a "pop-quiz" near the end, and took a long personality profile. Also, while in the end I received the offer anyway, I was told I would have to give my SAT scores, which I did not remember during the phone interview weeks before.

You guys obviously have this down to a science when hiring so many people each year, but it's just so much assessment. If you pressed the SAT score thing, I would have objected. How relevant could that possibly be, especially after being interviewed and assessed in twelve other ways throughout the day?!

Maybe this is how companies hiring a lot do it, but it left me with a negative impression.

The scale of hiring also gave me a negative impression. 1000 in a year is impressive, but it also made me feel quite insignificant. Having my own office, eventually, is a gesture, and I understand the buildings are made to prevent that feeling, but it truly felt overwhelming. When I first realized that I was one of thirty people for THAT DAY being considered, I was stunned.

When asked what they could have done differently:

I don't think the interview process was the biggest obstacle to me joining up, but having fewer assessments would have made the experience more enjoyable. If I could name one, simple thing, it would be to remove the pop-quiz before the HR interview. It felt deceptive and, frankly, rude.

Overall, however, it might simply be that your company culture and celebration of many people and huge growth works for certain people that aren't me. Your campus is incredible, you hire talented people, you make something absolutely moving the industry into a new age. Perhaps my "overwhelming" is another person's "exhilarating".

On Leaving /r/atheism

Potentially. Maybe I'll get a response. This is a message I sent to the moderators of /r/atheism:

Lack of moderation leads to weak content and comments

I'm unsubscribing for this reason. I've been viewing /r/atheism since I joined Reddit 2 years ago, and I've always been defending it from people who call it a massive circlejerk. I do believe there are a great many people who wish to have interesting conversations and posts, but they are drowned out by the larger number that do not. You choose by allowing this lame content to arise to bring the subreddit to the lowest common denominator.

I don't like the idea that atheists, whom we consider intellectuals, need moderation in this regard, but I find it necessary to keep the integrity of the subreddit. If that's what you want. If it's not, then I'll be gone. I'm sure you don't care, I mean, "who is this guy, anyway?" But consider me representative of many others.

On Lost Days

Another Facebook reply. It's a difficult argument, because we've been in it for a long while and some fundamental questions of understanding are cropping up that make me question how useful everything previously was:

Every time I sit down to reply to one of these, I think I'll make it short. Then I start, and I just can't do it!

"I can say that all I need to believe is in the Bible; I don't need to look at other claims and hold them up to the light together to examine which one holds more water."

At many points in this reply you have practically said that you cannot be moved from your position and that your faith in the Bible being absolutely true is unwavering. This is the epitome of intellectual dishonesty. I have never and will never say that I will not change my position on any subject. I am always open to new evidence on any issue that could change my mind. You should do the same, or this conversation is entirely meaningless.

Additionally, so much of what you said is completely meaningless as an argument because you continually pre-suppose that your god exists. You haven't demonstrated that! You haven't come close to that! You can't take the next step until you actually show me a convincing reason why your god, and no other, is the only one in existence.

It's pointless for me to start describing the character of my invisible friend and try to convince you that she wrote an awesome book when I we don't even agree that she exists.

Your "reason" for your faith uses circular logic over and over again. What I mean by this is that you point to the Bible as true and put your trust in it without ever telling me WHY it is true. You're basically telling me the Bible is true because the Bible is true. Hopefully it's obvious how silly that is as an argument.

"It wouldn't make sense for the Bible to be full of loose ends that need to be cleared up by anything else externally..."

This is exactly the point. It DOESN'T make sense that the Bible and your faith have flaws, but they do. You choose to, illogically, give your holy book a pass on the standards by which you judge anything else, and for no reason other than it needs a pass to get by. Do you see what you're saying?

You're approaching the issue completely backwards. You're starting from the premise that the Bible is the one true guide to God and fitting everything around that idea, making special arguments for your book that you would not for any other holy book. The proper method is to look for the evidence that this book is divinely inspired before assuming anything about its contents, just like you do about any holy book you don't believe in.

---

When I bring up Islam or Greek gods, I'm doing it to point out how your arguments can be equally applied to them, rendering the points moot. You do know that there are thousands of religions and sects that believe they are the ones with the right answer, right? And that all others will burn/suffer/die?

"God has not taken to Himself any son, nor is there any god with Him: For then each god would have taken of that which he created and some of them would have risen up over others." (23:91)

That's from the Quran.

"In the name of God, the Merciful, the Compassionate.

Say (O Muhammad) He is God the One God, the Everlasting Refuge, who has not begotten, nor has been begotten, and equal to Him is not anyone." (112)

This took a 5-second Google search. Try it yourself on practically any god claim!

Did you honestly not think that other religions specifically denounce all others? Did you really think Christianity was alone in this regard? Maybe now it's a bit more clear what I'm saying. Muslims read those passages and can say THE EXACT SAME THINGS AS YOU regarding how their holy book obviously proves them right. How do we go about figuring out which one of you is correct? You agree that you both can't be.

And if you don't even want to go to another religion, just think of the numerous sects of Christianity that mutually believe themselves, and only themselves, have the right interpretation of the Bible. Have you examined them all to know which one has the right of it? How would you know? What sect are you, even?

Again, I haven't looked at all religions in history (a daunting task) because none of them have popped up with great evidence for their claims. You, however, believe because your holy book says it's the right one, just like millions before you with contrary claims.

---

"I do believe that my experiences are His works. I understand that you can't trust mine, because you don't have the same perspective and the same experiences as I have. I can do my best to articulate them to you, but I know it's not going to get you your personal relationship with God. I hope, however, that it makes you wonder why."

Your experiences don't convince me in the same way that a Muslim's personal experience with Allah doesn't convince you. Think about that. Think about why.

On Valentimes

Nothing melodramatic this time around. I certainly feel lonely at times, but this day doesn't strike me any harder than others. Saw Sarah today by chance and we talked about how she wants to kill off sick people (paraphrasing) and how she recently lost a friend. Ironically, I was catching up with someone, as I seldom do often enough. Also, we got free condoms. Super-useful for me, I know.

I think I shift the meaning of the day farther out to encompass my friends and value those that I'm around and care about. It makes it less mopey and more productive. And besides, how honest can I be with myself if I try to find someone now, knowing that I might be far away by June? Of course, half of the argument is really just me staying safe from embarrassment and difficulties.

The week's busy enough as it is with a test, an assignment, a bonus assignment given today, and an interview Thursday. There's stuff going on between those things, too, and my hope is that I'll make it to the end of the week successfully and be able to enjoy a movie with a friend and my sister.