On Satire

I wrote this during finals week but didn't want to post it during that time. I shouldn't have wasted some of it writing, anyway, but I'm a little glad I put this down on paper. It's an interesting comparison, I think, and one just about anyone could chuckle at.

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The new War on Christmas is upon us.

Our country is under attack. Americans, we must unite in our common beliefs and repel this menace. Long ago, we suffered under the tyranny of an oppressive minority. We fought those who sought to control us and have since become what might be called "dormant allies." Until now. What was once a battle of steel is now a war of hearts and minds, and acting resolutely is the only recourse.

This group has cropped up again: drama queens rampant with indignation and self-importance. Year after year they redouble their efforts. They wish to overtake society at large by starting small, from the pitch to this new war. This nation was founded on a set of ideals: ideals that set us apart from our enemies then and lead us to be the prosperous land we are now. What are these ideals? Freedom. Charity. Diction. Equality. These are the core elements that make us who we are and separate us from these chavs.

Even now the enemy's influence is spreading. I shall not hesitate to shine a glaring light at these recent infiltrations. Harry Potter himself is among their ranks, and despite adoration towards him, you know it is against your upbringing. The television character House is one of them, relatively undercover. Ozzy Osbourne, icon of satanic metal, permeates our airwaves. Christopher Hitchens, the fool, has gone so far as to become a citizen of these fair lands. Open your eyes. They are all around, spreading their rubbish.

So please: Americans all across this world, let us be united in our cheerfulness and boldness this holiday. Do not shudder away from saying the phrase the gives reason for the season. Do not be mired by political, social, or adjectival correctness. Do not cave in to dangerous foreign influences. Let not one utterance of that blasphemous expression be heard in our streets, stores, or homes. Let not one American be seen giving credence something so against our values that it dare not be spoken.

I shall not be wary to warn of the implications of accommodating on this issue. It may seem "natural" or "all-encompassing," but do not be fooled. The next year they will expect lifts in our buildings and boots in our cars. They will go on holiday for Boxing Day. Their ridiculousness knows no bounds.

This winter, be kind, but be vigilant. Turn away from a "Happy Christmas," lest we all be left to a bloody hell.

Merry Christmas, America

(And Happy Christmas, Brits)