Contradiction

This semester in a nutshell, in one word, is thus.

It's been a busy one, and with a successful finish, if I do say so myself. Internship hunting hasn't been as easy as I'd have hoped, but maybe this Monday will change things. I'm always a fan of organizing my thoughts through lists, so here are my final thoughts on my classes this semester:

• ECE 4175: This microcontroller class was very interesting and was probably the class I learned the most "hard" stuff in. I soldered for the first time and got some hands-on experience with making a microcontroller myself and making it work, including ordering and learning to use a new part. The professor is probably the nicest I've ever had, even though it's the only class I got a B in this semester.
• PHYS 2022: Stars, Galaxies, and the Universe, in that order. That's this class in a nutshell, and it was amazingly enlightening. I don't know if I can adequately put into words how this class changes your perspective on how you see yourself or your place in the universe. I went to observatories, learned constellations, and gained a much stronger and memorable understanding of the goings-on outside of our naked eye and long in the past. I also had my question asked on the radio!
• PST 3127: The class that started and ended with my favorite movie. It revolved around a topic I've found most interesting and important ever since my renewed atheism, which is that of illusion. Illusion in many forms, from the abstract, like Plato's cave, to concrete, like Manufacturing Consent's propaganda model. From social, like our sometimes arbitrary beliefs and values, to economical, including our country's rampant consumerism.
• ECE 4001: The most practical of my classes, this one was all focused on life after college. From prob/stat to accounting to margins of error, it was most interesting for its direct opposition to my philosophy class.
• ECE 3075: Only the last few weeks of this class were actual "random signals", but going back over all the probability and statistics from 3770 last semester really reaffirmed it in my mind. I certainly don't remember all the methods to tackle differential equations. Also, the popcorn project was a fun break from the norm.
• VIP: This semester we delved into the more concrete applications of annotating football clips. It came to a head when my partner and I kicked serious ass to churn through tons of data and get some satisfying results. With so much stuff going on next year, it's hard to choose between this and other courses, though.
• Pep Band: Same as usual, but the trips were also enjoyable. I've realized that a few days away from the common locale is almost a necessity to me. I need to go somewhere each year or I start to notice it. So, after Florida, Florida, Hawaii, Spain, Washington, Indianapolis, Spain, New York City, Iowa, Florida, and Florida, North Carolina and Oklahoma were good to visit. I think I needed to make that list, just to put it in perspective.

So what is this contradiction? Well, it primarily revolves around the opposing messages from two pairs of classes. 4001, the guest lectures in 4175, and generally any of the regular ECE classes follow the formula that you expect at Tech. They're molding you into workable units of labor, forming expertise in a particular area. Astronomy and philosophy are expanding your mind to new areas and cautioning you of the perils of becoming a drone or slave of the workforce.

I don't know... sometimes I get caught up mentally on certain things that most people just pass by. For example, during one early lecture in ECE 4001, the professor showed an image that laid out the general work/position progression for the average person's life span. I found this extremely disturbing that people have, planned out already, a general model for how they will live their lives! It just seemed so desolate and utterly devoid of humanity (or full of it?) that it scared me. Furthermore, in a talk from a guest speaker on investments, the simple idea of waiting 40 years for something to mature is something that I can fully understand and grasp the importance of, but it seems to trivialize time in such a way that it becomes the enemy, which is so backwards to me.

The idea of planning your life so far ahead and treating it so much like a commodity reminds me that it's finite. And that scares me. The feeling comes and goes, but it's like flames licking your skin: the "going" is just a lull from the constant mental torment. I really want to get these thoughts out, but it's hard when you don't have much of an answer to them. When you start asking yourself what the point of minimizing pain or suffering in the world is, you're getting into some rough and nihilistic territory that doesn't always have a happy ending. But it's not like you can ignore it.

...Or can you? I'm at least glad I'm starting this public discussion with myself.

I feel it would be a little melodramatic to call this a quarter-life crisis, but that's what it feels like. Just what am I going to do with my life?